But for Today, We Sit and Cry

The sunset from a recent trip to Holiday Island, AR, a week before knowing what we know now.

As the sun sets on our TWW (two week wait) we find ourselves hopeless and lost and devastated all over again. We are not pregnant. The IUI was unsuccessful. The thought of starting over again is debilitating. Like someone has knocked the air from your chest. There is no explanation. No answer to “why” it didn’t work. We have spent the last 7 months without gluten, soy, dairy, sulfates, antibiotics, caffeine, alcohol (the list goes on) and yet some people simply just have sex to start or build their family. Sometimes not even on purpose. I’ve been seeing a professional therapist once a week; acupuncture, yoga, and meditation. Therefore “stress” is a hard argument to pose as well. This time just felt different. We couldn’t explain why but we really felt like this was it: our family was finally beginning. But now today, just like that, we are left feeling lost out in the wilderness without a map after five years of exhaustion and starving for our children.

And what I would give to talk to my mom right now and hear her tell me “I just know it’s going to happen, I just know it.” I always felt like that wasn’t helpful before in the midst of my pain and frustration. But now, my heart aches for those words on the other end of the phone.

Tomorrow the sun will rise. And soon we will try again. But for today we fall apart. Today we sit and cry our eyes out because that’s literally all we can do. This morning we prayed with our sweet pastor on the phone. Her words and prayers encouraged us that this is not His will. That He is hurting with us. That He hears our desperation. Her words brought so much comfort since we woke up this morning feeling overlooked and unheard. We realize it’s okay to feel mad. Our faith and trust feel shattered but He knows and understands why. We simply prayed for comfort. And soon we’ll pray for the strength and trust to try again with new hope.

But for today, we sit and cry.