When we picked a doctor after a year of trying to conceive on our own, I was very hopeful. I thought Infertility was just like anything else you see a doctor for; they find out what is wrong and can fix it. How wrong I was. Our doctor was well known in the OKC area, had great credentials, and tons of pictures of all the families he helped create and it gave us such a sense of hope. We had our initial visit, the basic tests ran, and a plan was set in place. This is where the learning began. My wife is such a planner and researcher she had spent countless hours on every website she could find and every book she could get her hands on to learn about anything we might have to do – I am the complete opposite.

Our doctor wanted Erin to have an HSG procedure. This was meant to test the tubes for a blockage and at the same time flush them to assist in conceiving. Since it was scheduled as an outpatient procedure I thought it was simple and routine. I was wrong. This is where I started seeing that this entire process was going to be physically uncomfortable and painful for my wife. I came to realize later the physical pain is nothing compared to the emotional pain women in fertility treatment go through. I always knew Erin was strong, but here is where I started seeing exactly how strong she really is. After the HSG it was a time to try on our own again and continue to wait for something to happen.

With still not being able to conceive on our own, our doctor suggested we try an IUI. The procedure was explained to me and the appointment was set. In the beginning of all the treatments, I hate to say this, but there was a little of an embarrassing factor with it. I would have to carry my “sample” to the lab in the obvious white paper bag. I would always wonder if people were saying stuff about me taking this in. Looking back now, I cannot believe I had these thoughts. There has never been anything embarrassing about infertility at all. The 2 week wait that came after this first treatment was a real test. I tried to be supportive and hopeful, but at the same time tried not to get too excited. I had no clue what Erin was going through on the inside and to be honest I really didn’t know until much further down this road. (To give all men a little comfort, no matter how long and what all we go through I will never completely understand what this process does to women, physically and mentally.) Our first try with a doctor’s help did not work.

I tried staying strong and at the same time being supportive for Erin….

I was confused about what went wrong and my thoughts went straight to “we are here with a doctor, run the tests and let’s find out how to fix this.” As a husband you try to show your strong side on the exterior to not upset your wife anymore. This was completely the wrong thing to do. My first piece of advice to men: talk about it when it bothers you. Even though men and women are affected differently the grieving of a fertility procedure failing is shared in enough ways to be able to help each other through it.

We attempted two more IUIs with the same result. Your mind at this point will start going in different directions that is not beneficial or constructive. I started questioning my faith, was angry with people who had families, and was extremely frustrated with the doctor. Our doctor explained next was to try IVF. This seemed to me like we were at an automotive shop – this was next on the list to put a checkmark by and seemed we were just trying to fix something without really knowing what was causing the problem. In my stress I started looking at the financial aspect of all of this. In the end I know no matter what this cost is, having a family would be entirely worth every penny. I was seeing that our insurance would not cover any of our treatments. To this point we had spent around $4,000 out of pocket for the medical expenses but now the doctor wanted us to go on to the next step on the list, which by the way was another $15,000 cost with no help from insurance, without any more testing to see if it would work. This where some of my hope started fading. Like I said before I knew having a family would be worth every penny we could spend, but I still worried about everyday life. I won’t mention this Doctor’s name, but as I look back I wish he would have been a little more comforting throughout all of this. I see now his standard actions were not comforting to my wife or myself as we were going through something we had never thought we would have to.

As we started talking more, we both decided it might be a good point to get a second opinion. Erin’s research trigger was pulled and we made an appointment with a doctor at OU Reproductive Medicine.

Once we started our visits at OU Med Center some hope came back. There was so much more research being done, trial studies, and more of a one-on-one personal feel. We went through the standard tests just as before, and once again we were placed in an unexplained category. No one could tell us why this would not happen for us. We had a little more hope than before, but were still extremely frustrated.

The plan here was similar as before, we would start with IUI. They had a little different process here where they used more technology to make sure the “sample” was going where it needed to go.What I learned with going to a new doctor at a new hospital is the hurt is still the same when it doesn’t work.

More learning about who I am and who Erin is really happened during this time. Each time we would do another IUI we would tell each other not to get too excited, but we did. We would get our hopes up just to be crushed 3 more times. I would see the pain in her eyes and still try to be strong for her so she wouldn’t see me hurting too (I always thought this would make it worse for her). I now feel differently. I now feel like she needed me to talk to. I have never met a woman so strong. She would not let herself lose it too far in front of me. I can only imagine how alone she felt trying to be solid all the time. If it was crushing for me it had to been devastating for her.

So now being roughly 3 years in: treatments around $12,000-$15,000 out of pocket for different procedures, Erin’s medicines, 1 HSG, and 7 IUIs. Hope was fading, attitudes were getting worse.

Next came the IVF. I felt more comfortable at OU Med due to the amount of information I received about what this all meant (the learning has never stopped), and different packages they had. Along came the financial stress for me again, this step was $22,000 that had to be paid in full before we could have the procedure. This cost also did not include any medicine that is required and insurance still does not cover. We soon found out this was going to be $4,500 per cycle. We pulled everything together and scheduled the IVF. Although we made it happen, this is the part that took a big toll on me. How could insurances cover certain circumstances (Once again I am not naming) but not this for people to have the chance to have a family. Women go through so much pain (both emotionally and physically) they should not have to worry about coming up with Tens of Thousands of dollars.

I saw so much strength in Erin as she took between 200 and 300 shots during the 2 treatments, incredible ups and downs with hormones as they are pushed all over the spectrum from the medicine, painful surgeries, 100 plus trips in and out of doctors’ offices and still taking care of herself daily. I could never have pushed through all of this from her side. She is a wonder woman in her own way.

sharps container from one round of IVF cycle

Our first IVF came at an incredibly rough time for our family. Other parts of Erin’s blog cover this time in our life when we lost our fur baby that was almost 19 years then the health issues with Ann, Erin’s mom, that made us feel like life was just getting pulled from us. The stress isn’t good for anyone, especially someone who just went through IVF treatment, and this was when the 1st two embryos were lost. Again, I was not prepared for what my heart and mind would go through as well as how to be there for Erin through everything she had gone through in 2017.

We had lost our dog Daley, lost the piece of Erin and I in our embryos, then Ann. Ann was not just a mother-in-law to me, she was my bonus mom. She accepted me from day one and always treated me like one of her own. I felt like everything was collapsing around us, we were falling apart and I couldn’t do anything to fix it. I was trying to stay strong on the surface for Erin and couldn’t even imagine was she was going through. As I have said before this whole process affects men and we could never understand what the women go through, especially now everything that we had been handed. This is when I would find out how internally emotional I really am. I have always tried to bury everything inside and try and push it away, I was finding out that was getting harder and harder. Still trying to be strong on the outside I would randomly find myself tearing up all the time. There was even a few times talking about everything I would cry in front of Erin too. The hardest part for me throughout the last 4 years is not being able to fix this. I am a fixer, when I can’t fix something I get stressed and frustrated and usually make the situation worse.

After another IVF and losing 3 more embryos all new feelings started to surface. The sadness was starting to turn into anger. Looking back financially we are now close to $60,000 out of pocket, Erin has gone through more pain both emotionally and physically than I ever thought I would have to see, and I really started questioning my faith. Looking at other families and trying to figure out why so many were able to have children and we could not I really started getting frustrated with things that were being said to us. Some of the feelings are still there from this past Spring after the second loss but there have been so many changes in my life that have made it a little easier.

Erin and I started talking more about Faith and where we were. We were both questioning why God was doing this. Enter McFarlin Methodist Church and Pastor Linda into our lives. I will for sure speak for myself but I am sure Erin feels the same way. We had been attending the Church for about a year but both felt the need to focus more on God and put the faith back in our lives. Pastor Linda has been an incredible blessing as well has the Church home we joined on Mother’s Day 2018. I feel everyone has been put in our life for a reason, we are involved with the Church and have a comfort with God I have never felt before.

Although I feel I have grown spiritually I still find myself getting angry or frustrated and am working through it. It’s been really difficult to get past some of it. In the beginning, 4 years ago, I never really noticed everything that was being said to me and how it really affected me. I know women talk a lot about kids, but I am finding as I get older more is being said to me also. Recently the toughest things as a man to hear have been: “Do you guys not want kids?” “You’re running out of time” and “I’ll give you one of mine”. As a man I want to be able to give my wife a child of our own, I feel like we deserve it. I have now more faith in putting our future in God’s hands and will continue that path as we move forward with our next attempt.

Over the last 7-8 months I have kind of checked out. I have not been fully there in my mind at home or at work, I have been really disgruntled with an awful attitude in my daily life. I really want 2019 to be the year my focus comes back stronger than ever and my spiritual relationship with God to continue to grow. I picked up a book this week (on my own, I might add) and have talked with Erin about doing meditation and yoga (I know I don’t really know how this one is going to happen).

Lately, I have been thinking about what I need to work on. We have begun a fertility specific diet to get healthier which I was excited to begin, this is something we have not tried yet. With this I feel I also need to get my mind, thoughts and attitude healthier. My suggestion to all men going through infertility issues is to find a way to help yourself mentally not just physically.

There is not any one piece of advice I can give husbands because everyone’s situation is different. Always hang in there, keep your faith and know no matter how bad your thoughts or feelings are it’s good to know that someone else has felt the same way. You’re not alone.