Do's and Don'ts for Supporting a Friend with Infertility
There’s NO WAY I could have written something like this 6 years ago when standing at the threshold of TTC. It’s taken years to sort through a billion emotions and dissect of a gazillion of my own reactions (and if I’m being honest, recent therapy) to accept my feelings and begin taking down the wall, brick by brick. I recently found myself on the other side of the wall when a best friend experienced her first IUI. And even though I knew what I needed during that time, I couldn’t help but struggle with my support strategy. It’s hard!!! You don’t want to say the wrong thing, but you don’t want to say nothing at all, right? Or is nothing at all best?? There is NO instruction book on this, and you will find tons of other tips and lists out there on the subject.
So…I thought I would share what I have learned from being on both sides of the wall (and yes I mean WALL, not fence!) Our friends and loved ones say things out of just that, love. And never want to say or do anything to make us uncomfortable or sad. I do want to say I have the most amazing friends that support me and I am so grateful for each one of them. But what gal doesn’t love a good list of do’s and don’ts??! These may not apply to every friend struggling, but surely a few of these will help those with tingles in their fingers not sure how to write that text.
Do
Send a text just to let her know you are thinking of her on the day of her IUI or IVF if she has shared that date with you. Let her know you’ve been thinking about her with no agenda, it’s okay if she doesn’t return a text.
Don’t
Ask when her procedure will be if she hasn’t offered it up. This is tricky. Because if it fails, she has all of those same friends to respond to with the bad news. And definitely NEVER ask “when will you know?” Questions are sometimes okay when you are genuinely interested. But being nosy isn’t (that’s what Google is for). You lose SO MUCH PRIVACY with infertility treatment. And those who conceive naturally would never shoot a text letting all of their friends know my husband just totally fifty-shaded me and I will follow up with you in 2 weeks! Of course you are praying for her and want to know so badly for her sake, but remember you probably kept your pregnancy a secret until after you and your doctor felt everything was A-okay and healthy in there.
Do
Include her in baby showers, birthday parties, and announcements. She already feels left out of life. Giving her the opportunity to attend means the world. She may or may not come, but at least you know that hasn’t NOTHING to do with you! There’s an ache in her heart that decides what she can and can’t do most days. But including her helps to surround her with normalcy.
Don’t
Don’t just talk kiddos around her at functions, lunches, and girl’s night. Try to bring up other subjects. It is understandable that with a group of moms it’s the common table topic, but there may be someone struggling silently (secondary infertility exists) who may need to talk about ANYTHING else. There are so many other things you probably have in common or else you wouldn’t be friends. How ‘bout them Sooners! Faves from the Nordstrom Anniversary sale?!
Do
Do value her intelligence in conversations instead of dismissing her input because she’s not a parent.
Don’t
Don’t complain about your kids so often. Of course motherhood is hard, no denying that! And sometimes a good ole vent sesh is what friends are for! But remember that it hurts when the majority of the conversations involving your kiddos is complaining when she is silently wishing she had those problems. What a blessing to have to stress out about all that money Christmas shopping, sleepy heads that won’t get up in the morning, or even temper tantrums over shoes. You might enjoy her quiet clean house at first, but you’d give it all back in a heartbeat for these things if you knew you had to live life without your children. It is definitely possible to miss someone you’ve never met.
Do
My friends are amazing at considering my pain and sending a personal text before any sort of pregnancy announcement online or in group texts. It means at lot to recognize her in that way. It may seem like a phone call would be more personal, but in fact a text gives her time to process how she needs to.
Don’t
Never take it personally if she doesn’t “like” your cute pregger posts or new bebe pics for a while. Infertility is grief, in every sense. Of course she is over the moon for you and your new addition, just like you will be for her one day, but your pregnancy may be a reminder of those she has lost or that empty feeling she carries with her day after day.
Do
Let her know you are praying for them. This is the best thing you can do for your dear friends. The power of prayer can move mountains. And this is definitely your friend’s Everest.
Don’t
Don’t offer her advice. I can promise you….there is nothing you could come up with that she hasn’t prayed over during tear filled episodes for months or years. Here is a quick list of major no-nos: just go get drunk, have you thought about adoption, you’re not getting any younger, I’ll give you one of mine (MAJOR NO-NO), just do [fill in blank] that’s what we did, and lastly it will happen when it’s suppose to happen. Trust me, drinking isn’t it. The wine overfloweth after every failed IUV/IVF. Adoption actually costs more than IVF plus she wants to experience pregnancy and the joy of a person created from both her and husband, just like you. She’s aware of her age. You would never actually give her your child and jokes only hurt. She’s probably done it ALL. And lastly, waiting in infertility is agonizing, and that last one makes her think what if it’s not “supposed” to happen for me?
