My Struggle with Addiction: Part 1
I’ve been debating this post for some time now. Partly because I want to respect my brother’s disease and partly because I simply don’t have the emotional energy to write it. I don’t have alcoholism or addiction diagnosis, but that doesn’t mean I don’t struggle. When a loved one struggles, the whole family does along side them. It’s a never-ending battle that at times feels like there is no way through. During those times of recovery, or even on a good day, your heart stays heavily guarded and never really allows you to relax knowing things could turn on a dime at anytime. But that’s no way to live. Recovery programs and support systems out there teach us other ways of living with this disease, whether it’s you who suffers or your loved one. However, even with these resources, it doesn’t mean that it comes easy. It’s something you work at. Every. Single. Day. No differently than the effort it takes on the addict’s side #onedayatatime
Since this is such a heavy subject for me personally, and I intend to continue posts on the topic in the blog, I have decided to start first with simply a list of things that might spark education. As with any disease, the best place to start is with education. So here it is in three parts: what I wish I would’ve known years ago before my brother’s intervention; what I learned during his recovery; new lessons after relapse.
I also want to preface with a few facts:
I love my little brother. I will always be his big sister and would do anything for him. I was blessed with the gift of a tough loving heart, but really I think just the ability to fake it. I have been to regular Al Anon meetings in the past but am not currently attending. In absolutely no way do I feel like I have a handle on this but I do feel like I’ve been through a lot. Enough to share my experience with others that may be at a loss with their brother, sister, child, friend, or a friend of a friend that needs some support.
Pre-Intervention: Part 1
The years leading up to the family intervention with my brother were long and treacherous. He started drinking in high school, like a lot of teens do. I would be lying if I said I didn’t sneak some Purple Passion or Zima and Jolly Ranchers a time or five. But unfortunately for him, he was born with a disease and it was more than a right-of-passage juvenile experiment like the rest of us - and the drinking never ceased. And with addiction, once a certain substance loses its ability to numb, other substances are introduced. You don’t know you are born with this disease, until it’s upon you. For years after high school my brother struggled to keep a job and had multiple DUI’s. He’s the baby, and we all just thought he needed to “get it together” (as if he could just stop at any time) and grow up. His behavior hurt himself, my parents, and me as well as it caused me to resent him in my frustration for a really long time. I didn’t understand the disease. It wasn’t until my parents (not without a fight) Derick and I all decided to learn more about the disease and our options that allowed ANYTHING to change. Had we not learned and accepted what we did, NOTHING would have ever deviated from that hell #nothingchangesifnothingchanges. It would only have gotten worse. I find that it is that fear that a lot of times drives an intervention. The fear of not having that person in your life anymore because the disease may take theirs. Here are five things I wish I would’ve known then:
One.
Alcoholism is a disease. You cannot, no matter what strategy you take, change that person or influence an alcoholic to not drink. While it sounds cliche’ it’s true: they have to do it on their own. It is something that has to be managed, just like diabetes. Unfortunately, most people don’t see this disease in the same light. The term “drunks” is an old-fashioned colloquialism that was used years ago before modern advances have been able to uncover the neuroscience behind it all. It is a chemical imbalance, just like diabetes is. Unfortunately, when this disease is not managed there are behavioral and mental health effects that take place that are much more difficult to live with.
Two.
When a person falls to addiction at an early age, their maturity is held captive and almost seems to stop in time. They do not grow and think like twenty-five year-olds when they have been drowning in brain altering substances since fifteen. It is hard and misleading. You expect them to behave and ration like an adult. But these are unrealistic expectations. Even when my brother became sober for the first time in his adult life I found myself extremely frustrated because “he was sober” and had no excuse to be so immature and selfish. But in all actuality, he picked up where he left off, at fifteen.
Three.
Manipulation is real. It’s a demon fueled by the disease. It’s extremely hard not to get sucked into the head games of blame, guilt, and obligation. I watched this manipulation monster tug at my mother’s heart and while I understood while it would be hard I didn’t know why she couldn’t put her foot down. This disease will make a person say and do things to ensure that nothing gets in the way of that next drink or high. Because the chemical imbalance causes the brain to think it needs that substance to function. The brain actually sees alcohol as the necessity over water and food. It is fight or flight, and fight they will. Even if it means lying, stealing, screaming, or tugging at heart strings.
Four.
It’s the disease talking (or acting). Your loved one is still in there. But like number three, the brain is being held captive. Addicts can say some pretty mean things and do some really crazy stuff when they are deep in the disease. And that disease is running their thoughts, words, and actions. As hard as it is to look the other way or let it roll off your shoulder, it is imperative to your health.
Five.
Co-dependency: noun - a psychological condition or a relationship in which a person is controlled or manipulated by another who is affected with a pathological condition (such as an addiction to alcohol). It is SO easy for a mother, father, or spouse to fall into this black hole. You love this person and remember, manipulation is real. For a parent, this is your baby for whom you kissed boo-boos and wiped tears. Your heart instinctively leads you to your child’s aid. Especially when they are sick. The co-dependent in the relationship needs just as much love and support as the addict. It took me a really long time to see this.
PInterest has been a great source for encouraging content and a way to continue to work the program of a family member when not actively attending meetings. My “One Day at a Time” board is here. I also urge you to visit Parents Helping Parents as well as Al Anon which are both amazing networks offering resources for families and loved ones of alcoholics. My family has utilized both which is absolutely a pivotal point in our story.
