Dealing with Infertility Triggers
I’ve recently been acutely aware of some trigger words, phrases, or conversations and searching for ways to release the anxiety and negative thoughts that come with them. Isn’t it unreal how one comment can have your stomach in knots and your head in a scramble for days after the conversation?! The worst part is that the person that asked the question, offered the advice, or shared the story is completely unaware that something they said can have such a debilitating effect on someone battling infertility. They are not at fault. And you know this. But somehow you find yourself irritated or frustrated or mad and can’t shake the feeling. You may have even snapped back at the question with something you’re not proud of. Not that I’ve EVER done that. Lies. I find myself blurting things out more often as I become seasoned in this journey here in year five. Then what happens? You spend the next few days scolding yourself for what you’ve said and thinking of all the ways you could’ve handled it better. I’ve even gone through periods of seclusion afraid of my own mouth around others. The goal is not to make others as uncomfortable as you are. Make it stop.
I find myself really struggling with the topic of adoption lately. It’s not that I am against it or discount the light that it truly is. My MomMom (my momma’s mother) was adopted. I have dear friends who were adopted or have adopted. God is good and adoption is a blessing. I am simply not there yet. I find myself in conversations feeling the need to defend this. Adoption is not something to be taken lightly. And it should never be viewed as a last resort or plug-in for failure. I believe it is something that God puts on your heart. And my heart has not poked me yet in this way. So when I am so casually asked “have you thought about” or “why don’t you just” these phrases are huge triggers for me. I immediately feel my stomach jump to my throat and my anxiety soar as I struggle to watch my mouth and not unload on the poor innocent person who’s asked out of sincere interest. Then dwelling on the conversation for days after.
So how to stop that roller coaster and allow yourself to feel the feeling but move on with the rest of your day? Yeah, I’m still working on that. But I listened to a podcast the other night that has helped me give the process more consideration. Did She Seriously Just Say That? is a great episode recently posted by Spencer Brassard on her Fertile Ground podcast. (See this post here for my other favorite podcasts.) In this episode she gives the scenario: You’re at a family bbq really enjoying yourself when someone asks you about having kids and suggests “you just need to relax.” At that point, you are fuming on the inside, do your best to answer the question, then want to leave immediately.
Relate to that situation at all? I know I do! In my experience the statement is usually followed by a story about a cousin’s sister’s friend who “relaxed” and was magically pregnant afterwards.
So here are some things Spencer discusses that really hit home and I found helpful for me:
Be mindful of your triggers. Ask yourself “what am I making this [comment] mean?” For me, I usually make it mean this person thinks they have all the answers and believes they have cracked the code since they can have kids and I can’t. Like I should thank them for their earth shattering revelation (Well, hell. I never thought about relaxing! Great idea!). A comment may be insensitive, but don’t make it mean something it’s not. In all reality, the comment is bringing out your own fears about your infertility. Most people don’t realize what they’re saying has the potential to hurt you. But if you are mindful you can get to a place to receive it and let it go. Fingers crossed for that day.
When you do feel the emotional trigger, allow yourself to feel your “feels.” Let yourself feel sad. When you start peeling the layers, it’s almost always sadness under the frustration. t’s easier to be angry than to feel sad. Breathe. Breathe into the emotions and let yourself feel that way. Don’t tell yourself you’re a horrible person for feeling that way and you shouldn’t be feeling it. It hurts. This type of insecurity is painful. Stop trying to cover it up with anger.
Turn the thought around. Deep down, we really don’t like ourselves when we think such salty thoughts. Instead of thinking critically about your friend or family member, try to feel compassion for their naive perspective. You would never wish this pain on anyone you are close to. Why would you wish that upon anyone? Instead of fuming try and be grateful that your sweet friend or dear cousin has no clue what this journey is like.
This energy does not serve your fertility. Free up the space for babies. Stop holding on to what someone said and plotting a counter-confrontation. Ask yourself: Is this in line with my integrity to react this way? Why not allow people to be who they are, they’re going to be it anyway. Who is it serving to stew over the conversation for days on end? Answer: No one! The only power and control you have is to change yourself. Use this moment to believe in yourself and free up your emotional space for healthy mind-body fertile energy.
Everyone’s journey is different and will have different triggers that are personal to them. The point is to stop beating yourself up, let go of the frustration, and release the resentment towards yourself and others in this uncharted process we find ourselves in. Life doesn’t seem to be giving you a break, so maybe you should give yourself one? And maybe I should read my own words. #truth
